Yep... as of today we've been waiting 31 months, and there doesn't seem to be any clear end in sight. **sigh**... At this point if our number ever gets called, I'm not even sure we'll be able to adopt... but as always, I hold on to hope...

Still debating about a new blog. I really, really don't want to use this one anymore. It's just not where I'm at in my life anymore and I want something that's more about the here and now instead of what was my life three and a half years ago. So I'm debating. I have a few ideas and actually even have one up and running to use if I choose to, but the jury is still out. Will let you know when and if that happens... thanks to whoever is still here for reading!

I miss blogging. I miss sharing parts of my life with the people I've met here. I miss sharing my daughters milestones, my random thoughts when stupid people do even more stupid shit. I miss it.

However, I don't feel that this blog is appropriate anymore. It's a piece of my life that has changed. Yes, we're still in line, logged in for an eternity in China. But I don't know if we'll stay logged in. I don't know anything at this point. All I know is that at this time, we're leaving everything there, staying in line, and continuing to live our life. If an adoption shows up at some point, we will reevaluate our lives at that time and make a decision based on where we're at at that point. It's not that we don't want to adopt anymore, because we ABSOLUTELY do (omg, do we ever)... But when circumstances change, sometimes your options do as well, and we'll just have to make the best choices for our family based on what our situation is when and if our number is ever called.

Because of that, I don't feel this blog is the right place for me anymore. I feel weird blogging about a bio baby that happened upon us in the middle of things here on my "adoption blog". I know we all set out with the intention for our blogs to be about adoption and they morphed into being all about our lives, but it still doesn't feel comfortable here for me anymore.

So I'm thinking about a new blog. I tried a new blog with the Capt Obvious but that was a bust. I really wanted to blog there but that didn't feel right either. I tried my hand at a scrappy header, and while I loved the outcome, I don't really love it for my blog. I really want one of those fancy photoblog type deals, but I don't have the time or patience to figure the coding out on them, and I certainly don't have the kind of cash some of them are asking to create one for you. Besides, I'm anal and obnoxiously picky about what I want my blog to look like, yet I have no real concrete ideas for a new one... and to pay someone to think something up for you and then have me hate it... well, people have done that to me and I wanted to choke the shit out of them for it, so no, I'd rather not torment someone else in the same manner, thank you.

I'm not even sure anyone is still here following me.

Speaking of followers, I had an original goal of trying to remain private (or at least password protect certain posts) because I wanted to be able to vent about stuff without all of my family reading it, but that means I have to go Wordpress. While I did enjoy a few aspects of it, I still don't know how to code a Wordpress template... and paying to have one of those blogs created for you is three times as expensive as a Blogger template, so no, not in the cards for me right now.

So the things I contemplate are:

Do I start blogging again?

If so, where - Blogger or Wordpress?

When considering my audience and the fact that I'd never know who is reading, do I edit my thoughts and what I write and not be truthful with my feeling about things for fear of receiving an email or a phone call asking me to further explain myself? Or, do I just write from the heart and say a big F*ck You to all those who don't like it?

If you're out there still, tell me what your thoughts are...

Today is my mother's 58th birthday and coincidentally, we've been logged in for 29 months. Only about another 36 to go...

*** I didn't post here as a "TEST" to see who is still following!!!! lol! I know you all gave up on my blog after I stopped posting here...lol. I just couldn't believe that it's been 29 months so I thought I'd post it :) ***

Often, the Hubs and I will make our own independent dinners.

Last night, I made myself a meal to die for: A huge salad comprised of mixed field greens, julienne slices of Bosc pear and lightly breaded, pan fried medallions of goat cheese, all tossed in a raspberry balsamic vinaigrette.

What did Hubby make? Pancakes.

It reminds me of lyrics that were written by my favorite musician, Lyle Lovett (Yes, Lyle Lovett. Hey, don't knock it til ya try it). Here's just a piece of his song "Here I Am", which is mostly spoken (and is hysterical):



I don't doubt it - Hubby and I? We were made for each other.... :)

This has been my most favorite quote of all time for at least the last 10 years - maybe 12. After having spent many years being the meek wall flower who got walked all over (not kidding), it's what I try to remember to live by on a daily basis. At one point, these words changed my life. I've read it hundreds of times since originally finding it, and each time it strikes me as if I'd never read the words before. I share this with you today in hopes that it might become one of your favorites as well, and if you have no resolutions at all this year, you can start with this...



Our Deepest Fear


Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson

BTW - new pics are up over at Miss Georgia Mae :)

That's right, I said it - I miss blogging.

Do I really have TIME to blog? Not even a spare second. But I still miss it.

One of the biggest things that keeps me from blogging (besides Georgia) is the fact that I wish I were more anonymous. I started up a Wordpress blog a few months ago where I am completely anon, but I'm not digging Wordpress as much as I'd hoped. And it seems that since I dropped off the face of the earth with this blog, so have all the people who ever read my blog - either this one or the Wordpress one. Not that I'm writing for anyone but myself, but when I vent, it's nice to know that other people are reading, know what I mean?

So I'm not even sure how to go about blogging again. If I want to be completely candid, I can't post here - I have family and coworkers who know this blog address and I no longer want them following my every thought. If I want the people, you, who read this blog to follow me to a new one, I can't just post a link in this one because then that kills the whole "anonymous" thing. I tried emailing people and letting them know about the Wordpress blog, but that was a pain, and some people can't log in to the password protected posts due to the browser they're using.

So... any thoughts as to what I should do? This is a really aggravating conundrum I'm in. I'm about to just call it quits altogether...

That's how many days we've been logged in as of today.

I was going to put in months, but I hate when people refer to their 2 year old as "24 months". I mean, if someone asks you how long ago you did something, and it's been a little over 2 years, you don't say "... last time we were in Cancun was about 26 months ago...". So yeah, it's been 2 years - 24 months - or, 730 days since we were logged in... and that's not even counting the 4 months of researching agencies, and then the almost 11 months of paper-chasing we did due to our completely inept social worker. Add it all up and that's over 3 years.

Like all of you, we were told we would have to wait a certain number of months. Our lucky number was 12, possibly stretching to 18 - and that was to include the time spent getting your dossier together, not just the wait after being LID. So from the signing of the contract to receiving our referral, we were told it would be 18 months, tops. However, now that we all know the sad, sad truth, lets take a look at the reality of the situation..

This link was sent to me by a bloggy buddy in regards to my post on December 15th. I had no idea such a site existed until then, and now, it's really helped me make some serious decisions in my life, for my families future. I punched in our LID date...Take a look at this absurdity:

If that date stands true-to-form, at the time of referral, I will be 43 years old. My Hubby will be almost 45. I was hoping to be under 40 by the time we travelled, and now, there's no way of that happening.

If that date stands true-to-form, at the time of referral, I will have an almost 5 year old daughter who will be starting full-day school shortly after returning home from China... whereas I was hoping they'd be only a year apart in age.

If that date stands true-to-form, at the time of referral... we were hoping to move once we returned from China, but now that's too far off - we want to move sooner than that. So there's a very good possibility that we won't even be living in the northeast at that point, and while I don't have much family near me at all right now, they'd be hundreds of miles away by then.

Lastly, who knows if China will even still be participating in international adoption in 2013? The sad fact of the matter is, none of us knows what will happen.

So yes - all of this gets the wheels turning for Hubby and I, posing hypotheticals at each other either randomly at 2:30 in the afternoon on a Sunday ... or at 2:30 in the morning when we can't sleep. We don't do it often anymore - talk about the adoption, that is. We used to talk about it almost daily, plan our future around it even. But now? It's the unspoken "knowing" we have that fills the air most times. The knowing of not really being able to bank on anything at this point, and just letting the Universe decide what will be - but going about your life in the meantime, without making plans that involve anything adoption related. Sad thing is that at every family gathering, at least one person calls Georgia, "Gracie" - it happened this year at Christmas as well. We were even guilty of it ourselves in the first few weeks she was here. It's the sad reminder of the little girl who still hasn't shown up yet that everyone's been waiting for.

Some (many) would say that we've been blessed with a child in the interim and "at least you have a kid". While I won't liken the possibility of losing a referral to losing a child (because I'm sorry, in my opinion, the two aren't even in the same ballpark), the loss of the idea of your child being here is still tragic just the same - whether you have a child, many children, or none at all. It's not that I'm assuming we won't get a referral... I'm just more prepared for it if that were to be the case. It deeply saddens me to think that it won't happen, but the realist in me has to continue on with my life from where I'm at now, and plan on it as if it won't ever come to fruition... because it's soooooo far away. To work an event that may or may not happen 5 years from now into my life today is like buying everything you want on credit and telling yourself that you'll pay it all off when you hit the lottery. I just don't have it in me to invest that much of my heart into it anymore.

To those of you who've waited longer than I, my heart truly goes out to you. To those of you who've battled infertility for years before having come to adoption - and have been waiting longer than I - my heart goes out even more. Already having a child doesn't make waiting for your adopted child any shorter or less painful, but it does distract the shit out of you in the process. And more distraction equals less time spent thinking about the child you don't have. You can try to argue with me til the cows come home, but from my experience, having spent the last year of my life "distracted" (exactly a year, as a matter of fact - because I got a positive pg test a year ago today) I can attest to the fact that when you have something like that going on - or children to tend to, you don't have as much time to think about it. Of course, when you DO think about it, the hurt is the same. It's just that the time passes far more quickly while you've got others to care for. So to those w/o children in this long wait, I remember having all that time to think, and I understand your pain and am so sorry you continue to experience it.

One of the decisions I've made is to use most of the clothes we've had put away for Gracie, for Georgia. To let clothes that I bought with love just sit in a plastic storage tub for the next 5 years is ludicrous. So, over the weekend we took out Gracie's things and went through them... and for the most part, it was a happy event. Certain things I could remember buying, others I'd completely forgotten about. But all things brought a smile to my face. Of course, there was a stack of things that were purchased for her as gifts from other people, and we aren't touching any of that at all. Those are her things, her gifts, and if at some point in time she no longer exists in our lives, those will be come gifts for other little girls who are on their way home to their mama's. Thinking about using her clothes, giving away her things, used to make me sad. Now? Sadly, I'm numb to it.

So our lives continue on, and hopefully, at some point 5 years from now when they get around to our number, we'll be ready and open and able to accept a referral. Until then, life goes on...

In all of last year, how many months of referrals/LID's did the CCAA do?

I was thinking about this when I realized that it would soon be a big LIDaversary for us. I was never one who was ever on top of referral time frames, as it would make my brain hurt trying to figure out what "this" meant and what "that" suggested. So I figured who else better to ask than all of you out there who watch RQ like a hawk.

So how many months did they get through last year? And dare I ask... how many do you think they'll get through next year...

Love, peace & hair grease...
Heather