That's how many days we've been logged in as of today.
I was going to put in months, but I hate when people refer to their 2 year old as "24 months". I mean, if someone asks you how long ago you did something, and it's been a little over 2 years, you don't say "... last time we were in Cancun was about 26 months ago...". So yeah, it's been 2 years - 24 months - or, 730 days since we were logged in... and that's not even counting the 4 months of researching agencies, and then the almost 11 months of paper-chasing we did due to our completely inept social worker. Add it all up and that's over 3 years.
Like all of you, we were told we would have to wait a certain number of months. Our lucky number was 12, possibly stretching to 18 - and that was to include
the time spent getting your dossier together, not just the wait after being LID
. So from the signing of the contract to receiving our referral, we were told it would be 18 months, tops. However, now that we all know the sad, sad truth, lets take a look at the reality of the situation..This link
was sent to me by a bloggy buddy
in regards to my post on December 15th. I had no idea such a site existed until then, and now, it's really helped me make some serious decisions in my life, for my families future. I punched in our LID date...Take a look at this absurdity:
If that date stands true-to-form, at the time of referral, I will be 43 years old. My Hubby will be almost 45. I was hoping to be under 40 by the time we travelled, and now, there's no way of that happening.
If that date stands true-to-form, at the time of referral, I will have an almost 5 year old daughter who will be starting full-day school shortly after returning home from China... whereas I was hoping they'd be only a year apart in age.
If that date stands true-to-form, at the time of referral... we were hoping to move once we returned from China, but now that's too far off - we want to move sooner than that. So there's a very good possibility that we won't even be living in the northeast at that point, and while I don't have much family near me at all right now, they'd be hundreds of miles away by then.
Lastly, who knows if China will even still be participating in international adoption in 2013? The sad fact of the matter is, none of us knows what will happen.
So yes - all of this gets the wheels turning for Hubby and I, posing hypotheticals at each other either randomly at 2:30 in the afternoon on a Sunday ... or at 2:30 in the morning when we can't sleep. We don't do it often anymore - talk about the adoption, that is. We used to talk about it almost daily, plan our future around it even. But now? It's the unspoken "knowing" we have that fills the air most times. The knowing of not really being able to bank on anything at this point, and just letting the Universe decide what will be - but going about your life in the meantime, without making plans that involve anything adoption related. Sad thing is that at every family gathering, at least one person calls Georgia, "Gracie" - it happened this year at Christmas as well. We were even guilty of it ourselves in the first few weeks she was here. It's the sad reminder of the little girl who still hasn't shown up yet that everyone's been waiting for.
Some (many) would say that we've been blessed with a child in the interim and "at least you have a kid". While I won't liken the possibility of losing a referral to losing a child (because I'm sorry, in my opinion
, the two aren't even in the same ballpark), the loss of the idea of your child being here is still tragic just the same - whether you have a child, many children, or none at all. It's not that I'm assuming we won't get a referral... I'm just more prepared for it if that were to be the case. It deeply saddens me to think that it won't happen, but the realist in me has to continue on with my life from where I'm at now
, and plan on it as if it won't ever come to fruition... because it's soooooo far away. To work an event that may or may not happen 5 years from now into my life today is like buying everything you want on credit and telling yourself that you'll pay it all off when you hit the lottery. I just don't have it in me to invest that much of my heart into it anymore.
To those of you who've waited longer than I, my heart truly goes out to you. To those of you who've battled infertility for years before having come to adoption - and have been waiting longer than I - my heart goes out even more. Already having a child doesn't make waiting for your adopted child any shorter or less painful, but it does distract the shit out of you in the process. And more distraction equals less time spent thinking about the child you don't have. You can try to argue with me til the cows come home, but from my
experience, having spent the last year of my life "distracted" (exactly a year, as a matter of fact - because I got a positive pg test a year ago today) I can attest to the fact that when you have something like that going on - or children to tend to, you don't have as much time to think about it. Of course, when you DO think about it, the hurt is the same. It's just that the time passes far more quickly while you've got others to care for. So to those w/o children in this long wait, I remember having all that time to think, and I understand your pain and am so sorry you continue to experience it.
One of the decisions I've made is to use most of the clothes we've had put away for Gracie, for Georgia. To let clothes that I bought with love just sit in a plastic storage tub for the next 5 years is ludicrous. So, over the weekend we took out Gracie's things and went through them... and for the most part, it was a happy event. Certain things I could remember buying, others I'd completely forgotten about. But all things brought a smile to my face. Of course, there was a stack of things that were purchased for her as gifts from other people, and we aren't touching any of that at all. Those are her things, her gifts, and if at some point in time she no longer exists in our lives, those will be come gifts for other little girls who are on their way home to their mama's. Thinking about using her clothes, giving away her things, used to make me sad. Now? Sadly, I'm numb to it.
So our lives continue on, and hopefully, at some point 5 years from now when they get around to our number, we'll be ready and open and able to accept a referral. Until then, life goes on...